Posts Tagged ‘porkulus’

My Personal Stimulus: $5.5 Million: Everyone Qualifies

February 13, 2009

Yes dear readers, everyone qualifies now for their own personal stimulus package. Follow a simple program that I will describe and you can insert your personal appropriation into the Porkulus Bill. Steadyjohn will receive $5,500,000.00, not a paltry 13 bucks a week. My cutlet is buried amongst varied and sundry pork within Title III, Subtitle A:

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses’, $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Steadyjohn for the Steadyjohn Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $5,500,000 shall be paid directly to Steadyjohn in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Steadyjohn to Take Care of Business or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Steadyjohn will receive free Aretha Franklin tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Steadyjohn shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Chris Dodd is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

digital-to-analog converter box program

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, and in addition to amounts otherwise provided in any other Act, for costs associated with the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Program, $650,000,000, to be available until September 30, 2009: Provided, That these funds shall be available for coupons and related activities, including but not limited to education, consumer support and outreach, as deemed appropriate and necessary to ensure a timely conversion of analog to digital television.

National Institute of Standards and Technology

scientific and technical research and services

You may have noticed that Steadyjohn additionally is given a free pass on taxes, Aretha Franklin tickets for life, and the assurance that Senator Chris Dodd will be banished. Here’s what you do to get on the gravy train: Click here for full instructions; that’s all there is to it!

h/t Radio Vice Online

Get Your Personal Stimulus $$$