My Personal Stimulus: $5.5 Million: Everyone Qualifies

Yes dear readers, everyone qualifies now for their own personal stimulus package. Follow a simple program that I will describe and you can insert your personal appropriation into the Porkulus Bill. Steadyjohn will receive $5,500,000.00, not a paltry 13 bucks a week. My cutlet is buried amongst varied and sundry pork within Title III, Subtitle A:

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses’, $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Steadyjohn for the Steadyjohn Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $5,500,000 shall be paid directly to Steadyjohn in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Steadyjohn to Take Care of Business or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Steadyjohn will receive free Aretha Franklin tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Steadyjohn shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Chris Dodd is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

digital-to-analog converter box program

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, and in addition to amounts otherwise provided in any other Act, for costs associated with the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Program, $650,000,000, to be available until September 30, 2009: Provided, That these funds shall be available for coupons and related activities, including but not limited to education, consumer support and outreach, as deemed appropriate and necessary to ensure a timely conversion of analog to digital television.

National Institute of Standards and Technology

scientific and technical research and services

You may have noticed that Steadyjohn additionally is given a free pass on taxes, Aretha Franklin tickets for life, and the assurance that Senator Chris Dodd will be banished. Here’s what you do to get on the gravy train: Click here for full instructions; that’s all there is to it!

h/t Radio Vice Online

Get Your Personal Stimulus $$$

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7 Responses to “My Personal Stimulus: $5.5 Million: Everyone Qualifies”

  1. Davis Says:

    You may have something here. I hope you have a LOT of it.

  2. markbark1976 Says:

    Personally, I’m ready to hand over my right to privacy by allowing the federal government to track and tax my mileage usage via GPS devices installed in vehicles. As if Uncle Sam isn’t already involved enough in our lives with the passage of this stimulus package and the desire for nationalized healthcare and banking systems, I just read on MSN that Transportation Secretary LaHoodwink says the current state of our infrastructure requires outside the box thinking. Apparently, that involves tracking you by satellite to “help us out of this mess” via additional taxation on a system that can’t take any more taxes.

  3. markbark1976 Says:

    Let’s see. The current administration wants to control how much money one can make and if you make too much you apparently must “share” your good fortune and hard work with others, on their terms of course. How much did Obama and Biden contribute to charity last year? They want to control the healthcare system by telling you what you can eat, how much you can eat, that you can’t smoke, etc. Why not allow them to see where you travel too? I think Russia is looking more like a free country than the U.S at this point in time. Live free or die…

  4. markbark1976 Says:

    The funny thing is, I give 10-15% of my total income to charitable causes on my own. Why does the federal government need to take more of what’s mine when they can’t find it in their hearts to be charitable of their own resources without the IRS backing them up. The era of the jack-booted thugs is back. The Republican party laid down when the Democrats accused them of insensitivity to the poor and underprivileged. They joined the Democrats and became BIG Gov’t spenders. Now the socialist agenda isn’t so subtle anymore and it’s to the point where it’s almost too late. We need leadership and we need it now…

  5. ahrcanum Says:

    The gov’t is spending all this money tracking technology so it can monitor people more and insure availability for government use. The Fairness Doctrine is just another fine example of shutting down people who speak out against policy.

  6. lvn600 Says:

    Hi John-I think the Republican Party needs to stop the bitter rhetoric . Obama is dleivering on his campaign promises and the majority of people voted for him. If the Republicans are now conerned about budget deficits-which thy didn’t show a lot of concern over during the previous eight years, they should come up with reasonable ideas for budget cuts.-Just bashing the president and his stimulus package won’t help the country but finding places to cut that are reasonable to both parties ould help.

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